The Boy Who Changed Me

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I used to think that we were supposed to be together. I didn’t realize that just because you’ve known someone for 6 years, that doesn’t mean you have to love them. You don’t even have to like them. Even after knowing someone for so long, you might now actually know them.

Our story was simple. I was never “good enough” for you because no matter what I did, I never got your approval. It was a constant back and forth of seeking your approval and you being embarrassed to be with me. I didn’t realize that this wasn’t a relationship. I should have known this when you were “too cool” to talk to me. But I didn’t want to accept that. I thought we were supposed to be together. We aren’t and I know that now. I should have known that from the beginning. It was so clear that it was never a healthy relationship. I was constantly fighting for the attention I wanted, while I was only what you wanted when it was convenient for you. Not when I needed you the most. Sure, you were there for me at times but you also made me do things I didn’t want to do. You treated me like I owed you the world when I didn’t owe you anything. I don’t have to do what you want me to do.

The struggle for power was real. You had to have control at all times. You had to make the decisions. It was all up to you. In fact, I don’t think during those years I made any decision regarding “us”. I kept fighting to win you over but you only came back when I was your last option. I was always there and I shouldn’t have been. I allowed you to walk all over me and take advantage of me because I thought I loved you. It turns out, I didn’t even know what love was.

I should have known that I shouldn’t be falling apart on the bathroom floor over someone I “love”. I shouldn’t be hurting more than I was happy. I shouldn’t be in a relationship where you’re constantly seeking the approval from your friends. In a relationship, you should want me to be around, but you didn’t. You never wanted me around because I wasn’t good enough for you or for your group of friends. I allowed you to destroy me.

More nights than not, I was hurting because of you. I spent 4 years fighting for you when you never once proved yourself to me. You would text me just to let me down a few days later constantly getting my hopes up. Because of this, I spent my time living in the future, where we were together. All I wanted was to be with you but that wasn’t the same for you. I hurt myself in the process of trying to make myself good enough for you. But my good enough is never good enough for you, and that’s okay.

After you left, you kept trying to come back and each time I let you in again, I had to break down the walls that you built up. The same walls I built up because of you, I broke down for you. I was vulnerable and hopeful, just to be hurt a thousand times. But eventually, I moved on. I learned what I don’t want in a relationship. I learned that I don’t want someone who hurts me more than loves me. I learned that I don’t want to be scared of the person I think I’m supposed to be with. I don’t want to be with you. When I lost you, I thought it was the end of the world but in reality, I learned who I am. I learned who I am without you and I love that person so much. I love who I’ve become without you in my life. I’ve become independent and I no longer feel like I need a relationship to be happy. I can be happy without a boy in my life. When we were “together” I thought the only way to be happy was to be with you but in retrospect, I am a thousand times happier without you. I’ve never felt so carefree in my life because I don’t have to worry about you or being good enough for you and your group of friends. I love that. I love that I don’t need you. Since fully moving on, I’ve learned that I can love and be loved in a much deeper, better way than what I thought was right. I let you dictate my self worth and what I’ve learned is that I am so much more worthy than some boy who doesn’t think so. I am not unworthy just because you think so. So I ask you one simple thing, please don’t come back into my life until you’ve learned that I am worthy.

“She lost him but found herself and somehow that was everything.”

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