This has been in my drafts for eight months and it’s not even relevant now but I figured I’d share it regardless.
My brain has become a sketchbook recently. But instead of elaborate ideas filling the pages, they are actually quite simple. Memories with you have been etched into my memory. While sometimes I wish they would just go away, I sometimes like them.
When I want the sketches to go away, it’s because I remember everything so wonderful, brilliant and amazing. I remember the times embracing your hug (and I don’t even like to hug people. I don’t even like people touching me). But with you, I allowed it to happen because it felt so comfortable. It felt like the place I had been searching for and I finally found it. But when I found that place and when I became comfortable in that place I so badly wanted to call home, it was ripped from me.
This brings me to the part where I wish I could forget the memories. I wish I could forget those times because they were ripped from me without a warning. I fully knew that you had to go home and I had no doubt that you would come back but in my head, when you came back it meant working towards something more serious because that’s what’s you had told me many times. What I didn’t think would happen was you go home, return, and them we would no longer be anything.
I understand that you have a career and your career requires you to be focused because you want to move up farther. I understand that your career requires you to train well, to stay focused, to eat well, to stay hydrated, etc. But what I don’t understand is where I fit in. Maybe I’m not supposed to fit in but in my head, I’m supposed to. I think that’s my problem. I’m living through this image in my head of what’s supposed to happen and it’s not.
I wanted to see the world with you. I wanted to scream from the top of a mountain telling the world how much I loved you. But sadly, you didn’t feel the same. You couldn’t even tell me how you felt about me. So how do I move on when my heart doesn’t want to? Because I’d rather be heartbroken than accept the fact that soon we will just be strangers who once knew each their. And I can’t accept that. Not yet.