I Wasn’t Planning To Fall.

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I wasn’t planning to fall. I wasn’t planning to like you and I certainly wasn’t planning on loving you. But we don’t get to pick who we love. We love who we love regardless of what our brain tells us. Even when our brain tells us to move on but we can’t control what our heart feels.

Sure I’ve loved before. I’ve loved someone because I knew them for so long that I loved them more like a best friend and I’ll always care for them but I didn’t love him like I love you. I’ve loved someone because I thought that’s what I was supposed to feel, but I knew it wasn’t real. But I love you because you were a breath of fresh air, until you weren’t. The until you weren’t part wasn’t supposed to happen in my mind. But it did and I can’t control that. But I guess I also can’t control that I still love you in the no longer breath of fresh air phase, even when my brain tells me to move on.

Sometimes I feel so stupid for still loving you because it’s so clear that the feeling isn’t mutual and how can I possibly love someone who I hardly talk to anymore and someone who I haven’t seen in 6 months. But all I ever wanted was to be wanted and at first, that’s what I had. I was wanted. You wanted me more than I wanted you. You liked me way more than I liked you. Until you didn’t. Until I had fallen way more than I ever planned and suddenly you decided I wan’t for you. Unfortunately for me, your career is more important (understandable by far) but I think that it’s been used as a cover up for a lot of lies and excuses that have been made up so you can avoid giving me a true response. I think that it’s been used as a way of not wanting to tell me the truth. But unfortunately for me, your career isn’t a 9-5 job. It’s all day every day and I can’t change that just like how I can’t change how you feel about me.

But what I’ve realized is that the best relationships come from the ones you never thought would happen. They often come from the people we never thought we would like (thats also how my best friend, Emma, and I became friends but that’s and entirely different story). The best relationships are the ones where you give in and you let yourself feel how you truly feel without stopping it. I eventually did that and that’s when I fell. But I don’t think you ever allowed yourself to fully feel your emotions. But I don’t blame you. It’s scary liking someone who potentially could end up staying in a different country, or someone who lives in a different state, let alone loving them. It’s scary to truly let yourself feel. But to let yourself feel is one of the best things ever. Sure you get hurt but you’d hurt yourself by not letting yourself feel emotions to their fullest.

I’ll admit that even though I fell, there comes a time where you have to move on and you can only wait for someone for so long, regardless of how your heart feels. For me, that waiting time is currently at 6 months and I don’t know how to move on because a piece of me will always be so hopeful that one day you’ll realize that you do like me and you do want to be with me. But it’s also turning people down in hopes that you’ll like me again. It’s hoping that when you text me it’s you wanting me back. But that hasn’t quite worked out like I hopped. I waited for you to come back to the US to be together but again, that didn’t quite work out like I hopped. I can’t keep chasing someone who doesn’t put in the effort. I’m so tired of one sided relationships and I deserve a relationship where the other person feels the same.

I wasn’t planning to fall but I’m glad I did.

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