This post is going to be a bit different than my normal outfit posts. It’s going to be a bit of a more emotional post and definitely longer so buckle up, we’ve got a lot to cover. This past year in my life has been really, really weird for me. But it’s been weird in a good way. I guess I’ll start from the beginning of last school year and take you guys along to where I’m at now.
So, beginning of last August I moved into my first apartment and as exciting as that sounds and truly was, it wasn’t. I didn’t realize the concept of money that well and I didn’t plan. I learned things the hard way when November hit and realized I didn’t have enough money for rent (yes, I had a job and a decent paying job at that but look, ya girl loves clothes and more importantly, loves food) because I had spent it all on groceries and other unnecessary items. So the rest of the year was a catch-up year for me. I was making ends meet, and I was paying rent, paying for groceries, I was paying for it all, but that didn’t leave much room for having fun. I was still able to go out, but I was worried about the cost of cover and stupid things like that. So that caused a world of stress.
In August I went through formal recruitment again, and I didn’t get into the chapter I originally wanted, and that’s fine. I went into recruitment with a preconceived idea of what I wanted, and it turns out, that wasn’t for me. The chapter that was for me wasn’t even on campus yet. So yes. I joined the new sorority, and that nickname stuck with us. Everyone that joined would kind of get the “oh you’re in that new sorority, ” and people definitely thought we joined because we couldn’t get into a better chapter but truth be told, my chapter is the best. There, I said it. My chapter was the best chapter for me, and that’s all that matters. So anyway, I joined the new sorority called Alpha Omicron Pi, and I gave it my all. I gave it everything I had, and I met an incredible group of girls. I met the most hardworking, genuine and devoted girls than I had ever met before. And no, I didn’t pay for my friends, they came naturally. They came naturally because we all shared the same underlying beliefs and ideas of how things should be. Yes, when you put 100+ girls in a room you’re going to have groups and fights, but the fights were like fights with a sibling because at the end of the day, we ARE sisters and we ARE family, and we DO love each other.
In October I started dating the one person I fought through hell for and it was good. I finally had what I wanted, and I couldn’t really complain. October was fun and a lot of good things were happening.
In November I had the honor of attending the partnership event with Vercase and the Born This Way Foundation in Chicago. With that, I was able to speak at the event and share how the Born This Way Foundation has helped me and many other people. I also was able to share my experience with cyberbullying, how it affected me and how I rose above that. Yes, that was in middle school but what people don’t realize is that it sticks with you. The way I view people, the way I act, the way I do things, it’s all because of what happened to me in middle school. ALSO, I HAD THE BEST VEGAN RUEBEN OF MY LIFE THERE.
In December I went to England and wow, incredible. I spent three weeks there with my then boyfriend, his family, his friends and let me tell you, it was crazy. For starters, I’m not the most outgoing person in the world as most of you know. My Instagram may perceive me as a super outgoing, social person but I’m not. I’m super shy so interacting with alllll new people for a solid three weeks was crazy. THE FOOD. Oh my god the food. Guys, I still talk about those stupid mince pies, just ask my mom.
I came back from England in January, basically the shape of a basketball. Okay, not really but I definitely did gain some weight because I ate all the food and drank all the wine. You win some, you lose some and I definitely lost because I wasn’t happy with how I felt and it was because of how puffy I felt. Winter break was coming to an end, and I didn’t want to go back to school. I hadn’t wanted to go back to school since I started there in August 2015. My parents joke that I couldn’t have my car there my freshman year because I would have packed up my room and made it home before they did when they helped me move in and they’re probably right. I wouldn’t have stayed because I wasn’t happy there but I tried to be. I wasn’t in the right friend group my freshman year so that didn’t help me but this year was different. I had the friends, but it still wasn’t clicking. I still wasn’t happy, and so I cried the entire three-hour drive back. And this is where the fun begins…
I got back to school and tried to have the time of my life. But I somehow couldn’t. I couldn’t get myself to enjoy it how everybody around me was. I’d see snapchats of people out, and I was jealous because I didn’t enjoy it like they did. I knew from the start that this wasn’t my home, but it was their home. This is where they wanted to go to school, not where I wanted to go. Sure it didn’t help that I would probably rather stay in more than some people but, I didn’t like it.
In February is when I started to feel a real change. I had this idea in my head that I couldn’t shake. I couldn’t get over the idea that I didn’t think I wanted to be with my boyfriend anymore. The same guy I fought for, for over a year. The girl who saw a future with somebody woke up one day and didn’t see that anymore. But the truth is, I didn’t just wake up and see that, it was gradual and I felt it. I expected it after some of the things that happened in England, but I threw those thoughts in the back of my mind and went on with my life.
Mind you that this boyfriend of mine lived in Colorado at the time so I went to visit that week of spring break and well, that sealed the deal for me. We already had other things going on at the time, but he pushed it off because it didn’t fit his schedule like how other things didn’t fit with what he wanted. So for that week, I sat in an apartment. Not just while he was gone, but while he was there too. We literally didn’t do anything besides for one day. I’m not the type of person who needs to be constantly doing something or doing extravagant things but come on, nobody and I mean literally, NOBODY wants to just sit in an apartment for an entire week. So tell me how much that would seal the deal of what you’ve already been feeling. So I came home from that trip and decided to give him a second chance. Or well, so I told him. I got home and couldn’t do that. I kept trying, I really did. But everything at that point was annoying me. Everything was how he wanted it, and I’m a very “I’ll do what I want” type of person, so that didn’t go well with me. Ok, clearly it did for a year and a half, but I got tired of it. I just realized that I couldn’t do that again with everything I was feeling, I needed to end it.
April came, and I still hadn’t ended it but I couldn’t at that time. But then again, he couldn’t be there for something I needed after everything I did for him. I needed one thing, and he couldn’t be there. So after that, I ended it and never looked back. The beginning of April was terrible, but after that, it was freeing. I had never felt more free than I had for the last year and a half. I was free to do what I wanted when I wanted. One thing I was able to do was to go out and do whatever I wanted. He claimed he knew people that would watch me when I went out. So if I went home with my group of GIRLS, I would receive 14 calls that night wondering why I went home with somebody. Sorry, didn’t know my friends were a big deal. But okay. Not only would I wake up to 14 calls, but I’d also wake up to texts from my mom because, during a majority of the relationship, he felt the need to run to my mom everything I didn’t do something how he wanted me to. So…since I wasn’t doing things on his terms, he hacked my Instagram. Mmhmm, yup. Got on my Instagram account and then tried to say someone in my sorority did it and sent him screenshots from it. But, he couldn’t tell me who and tried to make me turn on my friends by telling me it was somebody in my group. What a pathetic move. I learned my worth real quick and didn’t put up with that so it was over just like that and I never once looked back because fuck him for that.
The summer was freeing, and it was amazing. I was living life for me, not for anybody else. I was doing what I wanted, when I wanted. I was talking to someone I definitely shouldn’t have been but that made it fun. It made it exciting. I was happy, and that’s all that mattered. I didn’t think about the boy who held me back. I went on a date with someone who encouraged me to start all of this, and here we are now, THANK YOU. I figured out my diet and what works for me. I figured out that I really do like eating healthy which is funny because, in high school, I didn’t give a shit. Well, I did. I wanted to be “skinny, ” but ate whatever I wanted, or I would really restrict my food and calories which isn’t good. So I’ve been eating a vegetarian diet for over 2 years and a vegan diet for almost 2 years (holy shit that sounds crazy! How is that even possible) and I was a total junk food vegan for the loooongest time and yeah I felt better but not my best. So this summer I finally figured out that vegetables and fruits really do make me feel good. So for once, I was finally the happiest I had ever been with my body and my mind, and that felt amazing.
So August came, school started, and I was heading back to Springfield not happy about it. For me, it had always been one of those where I’d say I was going to transfer but I never did and I always gave Missouri State one more chance, but I couldn’t do it again. I hated it, again. So, I got a new job in St. Louis which required me to be home a lot (which I loved), and then I made the decision that I was tired of being unhappy. I was tired of not wanting to go back to school because I should love where I was going but I couldn’t love it like everybody else was. I couldn’t love it like the people around me so I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I left.
So this brings me to now. I learned a lot about myself and about life during this past year and a half which I don’t regret. I learned that whatever I want for myself, I have to go out and get for myself. I learned the value of money. I learned the value of people, and I learned how to cut people out of my life that don’t add value, and I learned how to be happy with me, and that’s the most important thing. I wanted to go this whole post without referencing Taylor Swift, but she said ” she lost him but found herself, and somehow that was everything, ” and that’s so true. I did lose him, I did that to myself but I also found myself and learned how to love myself and laugh at myself, and I’d take that over a boy any day.
Recently I had somebody walk away and completely shift my entire point of view of myself. I know that may make me seem weak, but honestly, I think it makes me seem vulnerable, and unfortunately, I do wear my heart on my sleeve. After my last relationship, I built myself up, and I was doing better than I ever had been. I was comfortable in my body, I was confident, and I was living life for myself. I was doing what I wanted when I wanted to and how I wanted. It seemed to shift when I had to question whether this person actually liked me or not. I heard all of these great things, but I didn’t really see it. I was being told everything he knew I wanted to hear, but I didn’t see that payoff. So once again, I put everything I had into something just for the other person to not give me the same. Your worth is notdetermined by a boy who doesn’t see all the good that you are. BUT, I also have to remember how far I have come in just a few months. If you asked me last November if I thought I’d be where I was now, there’s no way in hell I would say yes. So, with that being said, girls, go out and make the future you want for YOURSELF because nobody is going to give it to you. Everything that you want in life is 100% maintainable as long as you work hard for it. Things aren’t going to come easy to you. Your dream job isn’t going to land on your lap one day, and your dream guy most certainly isn’t going to come to you without being the best version of yourself. Work at the relationships you want to built and cut off the dead ends from your life because all we have are ourselves. So don’t look back in a year, 5 years or 10 years and wish you would have been happier back then, go make that happen. But also remember that you are solid gold, and nobody can take that away from you, no matter how “cool” the guy is or seems to be because let’s be honest, he’s probably an asshole anyway. Remember this, fuck boys are friends with fuck boys. So chances are if he’s friends with them, he is one, or they will encourage him to act like one. He doesn’t like you if he just wants you for your body and you don’t owe him that. Just have fun in life and laugh your way through it because if you can’t laugh at yourself, nobody can.